The People I'm Next to are a Baldness Gradient

I am next to this line of men. They are single filing it out of a restaurant and walking by my table. They seem to be a group of office folks on lunch, and as such are dressed in a fairly heterogeneous sort of business casual fashion. By this I mean it’s a polo parade. Additionally, their hair (where applicable) is all a very similar shade.

As they pass, I sip my coffee and realize I am witnessing at a strange phenomenon.

The first man is trail blazingly bald, leading the pack with a shiny, aerodynamic dome that cuts a wind tunnel for the dudes behind him. There may be a little stubble by the ears, and in the back, but it is clear his follicles closed shop a while ago.

The next man is bald in a skewed mullet sort of way; business in the back, slip and slide upfront. His sides and back are close-cropped but have definite and sustained coverage. Up top and in the front, there is nothing left. He is pulling it off. He has come to terms with his personal recession and styles his half coif appropriately, and looks good.

The next man is clearly lying to himself. Upfront his hair has dramatically receded and is achingly thin. In the back, there is a bald patch that I could set my coffee mug down on. Judging by the way he wears his hair, he has not come to terms with this exodus. He has parted it on the left and combed it, as though there were a lot more to part and comb. I don’t believe this is a true I’m-trying-to-trick-you comb over, just a comb-over born of willful ignorance.

The last man seems like he has a full head of hair until he gets by me. Then I see a small, but clearly defined loss. The classic beginnings of male pattern baldness. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he is looking guys in front of him and thinking about what comes next. I wonder if he knows things are ok, and that his head can be held high with pride, regardless of his hair's thickness. I wonder if he sees the value of acceptance, and learns the lessons of those who trod this trail literally ahead of him. I wonder if he might just buy a hat, and think about the whole thing later.

I want all of you to know I resisted typing ‘ahead of him’ in that last paragraph, I am growing.

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