The Person I’m Next To Unexpectedly Resorted to Brutality

I’m next to this man. His look suggests mildness. He has sandy hair just short enough to stick straight out, giving his head a great blurry halo. His facial features are similarly rounded with all gentle curves. He is the type of guy that would be very easy to imagine as a stuffed animal version of himself.

When I first see him, he is standing in front of an automatic paper towel dispenser in a coffee shop. He has a tablet in one hand, and a coffee mug in the other. He looks at a nearby counter, which is a bit wet, then back at his tablet. After a few seconds of consternation, he realizes he can spare his electronics and just set down the coffee. He chuckles at his indecision, then looks over at me with an expression that says ‘oh silly me’.

I reply with a nod that says, ‘I-recognize-your-former-dilemma-and-I-applaud-your-decision-but-can-we-maybe-get-this-towel-train-moving-my-own-mug-has-some-coffee-spilling-down-its-side-and-I’d like-to-handle-it’.

He nods, message received and turns back to the paper towel dispenser. He waves his hand in front of the sensor. The machine is unmoved and provides no towel.

We have all been here. This is where you wave your hand around frantically, nearer, farther, faster, slower, until the guardian is satisfied and grants you your mega napkin.

This guy does not do that.

Instead, he immediately, and repeatedly begins pounding the side of the machine. He is like some unholy combination of the Fonz and the Hulk, which deserves a clever portmanteau that I am too shocked to think up.

His technique bears no paper fruit. So, he doubles down, now pivoting at the waist while raining increasingly loud blows on this poor machine. All the while he is muttering Winnie the Pooh catchphrases like, “Dear me” and “Oh bother”. He stops to catch his breath, and as he leans back, the machine triggers and dispenses a paper towel.

He very neatly rips the towel off, smiles politely at me, and walks away.

The Incredible Fulk? The Indestructible Arthur Hulkzarelli? Those are dumb, sorry.

Comments

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